Two weeks ago if you would have told me that I'd be preaching and sharing my testimony in public I probably would have laughed in your face...

However a week ago when we were asked to do share our testimony at the post office-laughing was the furthest thing from my mind.

I think terrified would describe it best. Sharing my story isn't something I'm entirely comfortable with.

I think mostly because I feel that it's still so incomplete

While God has worked in me and my life-sometimes seeing how much more work there is- is well overwhelming.

Honestly I spent the majority of the week trying to figure out what to share or how to get out of it.

This is the portion of my story I shared at the post office we preach and fellowship with...

This week has been a struggle for me because I felt like to share my story I'd have to share how God redeemed my life or how He healed me or showed up big time and honestly where I am with God right now its hard to see any of that.

I'm currently at a place in my life where I'm struggling to have faith at all let alone in all the truths I know. Truths that I know in my head but for whatever reasons those truths have yet to pierce my heart and soul.

Even though in the moment I'm frustrated with God with what I feel is a lack of work in my life..

...and while I have more doubts than I know what to do with right now...

...and I honestly don't really feel like His daughter...

...and I don't totally believes that He loves me...

And to top it off I'm skeptical that He will every fully heal my heart from the past.

Despite all these things I don't fully know right now I do know that there was a point I did feel and believe all those things.

A time when I did truly believe in my Fathers redeeming love.

And I'm holding on for dear life in the faith that I will feel and believe and truly know those things again...

...that I will know the truths of His love and grace again...

...and not just in my head but in my heart and that I will walk in that truth...

...that I will be able to testify and truly walk in the newness of life He gives to those who follow Him and trust in Him.

Like I mentioned

I haven't always felt such a lack a faith..

Back in August of 2009 me and Jesus started this amazing dance of ours..

I was floored when I realized He was asking ME to dance, that He was pursing me, that HE was actually choosing me...

What I didn't realize until quite a bit after that was that He had asked me to dance years before, that I could trace back over the years of my life that He had been pursing me, that He had been choosing me over and over and over again..I was just far to blinded by my own pain and heartache to see that.

When I first met Jesus I was about 15, however due to life circumstances and the walls around my heart that I was unwilling to let crumble at the risk of getting hurt I let our relationship fall away. I had thought I had lost Him.

It wasn't until we started dancing again that I realized that even though at the time I thought I was without Him He has always been with me..and even now. I may not feel Him now and as hard is that is our track record tells me that He is in fact still with me regardless of how I feel.

I bet if your honest with yourself and God, your track record with Him will tell you the same thing...

...and just incase not, He's already told me..

He is with you...like it or not.

But really you should like it..

Anyways...after our initial relationship faded I still knew that's what I needed, it's what I wanted. I wanted to know God but I was sure my sin was far to much and that I would spend the rest of my life in the hell that I realized I had created my life to be... the "hurricane" is what I commonly refer to it as.

The "hurricane" easily consumed five or more years of my life. During those five year I drank in anything and everything self destructive anything that I thought might ease the pain and disappointment of life. Anything that would drown out the voice that told me I was worthless, that I would never be good enough..that no one would ever or could ever truly love me.

...life had become a hurricane at the very least..in the midst of it-it was a very real hell...

A hell I was convinced that I was sentence to live in the rest of my life. That I didn't deserve better...that I had messed up to much in life to deserve any better...

I would hit rock bottom just to find out I could fall more.

Eventually I had reached a point after everything I had put myself through, after everything life had put me through and then

..after five years of a giving everything I had..everything I could give. After loving someone with all that had and giving all of myself and having it never be enough...for me to never be enough and for him to never really care for me...and after years of feeling like I'd never be enough for anyone

I was completely worn out. I was exhausted. I was empty. I was tired. I was done.

I had hit a whole new rock bottom.

Shortly after reaching this new place of complete and utter emptiness and realizing that I had absolutely nothing left...

God struck me with this quote..

When there is nothing left but God that is when you find out that God is all you need

That's when it hit..I had nothing left. I had nothing left to give, I had nothing left in me after all life, the mistakes, and the men had taken. After everything of myself I had just gave away... I had nothing.

That's when I realized I didn't need anything.

All I needed was God

That was it..so simple.

Just Jesus.

In retrospect I see that not only was my self destructive behavior a method of coping; what I used to feel better or escape the reality that had become my life... but they were also feeble attempts to fill the void.

You know the void.

That place in your heart that is so empty it hurts. So in a poor attempt to fill the void we fill our hearts with lies and our lives with idols.

Just remember that regardless of the world leads you to believe God truly is all you need...

That truth that God is all I need I still rely on-on a daily basis

Like now when I'm struggling in my faith.

I know that while I may not understand what God is doing right now or even where He is that He is all I need.

That if I just hold fast to Jesus He will see me through this season of my life like He has on so many other occasions.

Something that I've struggled a lot with and still do as I'm sure you could recognize in my story are lies.

The lie that said I wasn't good enough held me captive from pursing God..from knowing that I He was choosing me..that I was in fact enough.

The lie that said nobody would ever love me still makes it hard for me to fully understand and walk in the love our Heavenly Father has for us..

..I know I struggle with lies Satan weaves in my heart...I know I'm not the only one.

SO we are going to play a little game called two truths and lie.

Lie: My sin is to much.

TRUTH: Nothing is to much for God, and in Him we are new creations, we are made pure, new and blameless in Jesus' image.

Ephesians 1:7 says "I am forgiven of all my sins and washed in the blood."

Ephesians 1:4 says "I am Holy and without blame before God."

Lie: I am to weak to resist temptation.

TRUTH: That's a barrel of crap..we have any and all the strength we need in Christ. We may not be strong enough sometimes, but in Christ we are given His strength which has no limitations..not even to temptation.

Ephesians 6:10 says "I am strong in the Lord"

Colossians 2:7 says "I am firmly rooted, built up, strengthen in faith and overflowing with thankfulness"

Lie: I will never be fully healed.

TRUTH: God works all things good according to the will of those who love Him, so as His children whom he adores He can and WILL take the darkness of our past and present and turn it into the brightest light you've ever seen!

1 Peter 2:24 says "I am healed by the wounds of Jesus."

Revelation 21:7 says "I am victorious!"

Lie: Nobody loves me!

TRUTH: Ok this one is a BIG fat lie. God loves you, God loves you so much that while you were busy sinning He gave you the ultimate gift in the crucifixion of His son...all to reclaim YOU as His pure, blameless and beloved Child...I'd say that's some pretty serious love..

Jeremiah 31:3 says "I am loved with an everlasting love."

1 Thessalonians 1:4 says "I am beloved of God"

Lie: I will never change or be good enough.

TRUTH: We aren't just good, we are great because we are made in Christ's image and through Jesus and His death for our sins we are new creations.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says "I am a new creation"

Colossians 2:10 says "I am complete in Christ"

These just aren't my truths...these are your truths too.

And lastly its my also my hope and prayer that next time your fighting the lies and you are struggling to have faith that you will remember that your not fighting alone. That your Heavenly Father is fighting with you and for you and He has already won the battle.

Incase you were unaware...

it's now 2011...which means I will see you all THIS year! I can't even begin to describe how happy that makes my heart!

We are now in AFRICA!!..Rwanda to be exact.

Words cannot express how thrilled I am to be here, I mean it's only a dream come true!

And can I just say if you ever have the chance to go to Africa...take it..it'll change your life!

aaand...last but not least..

Not only did we start the new year with ministry in a new continent but also on a new team.

Team Liberators was so 2010 anyways...

SO without further ado I'd like introduce you to Team Shekinah

 

 

 

Please keep our ministry here in Africa in your prayers, as well as our team. They're much needed! Many thanks!

God is blessing me with a very unique and pretty awesome ministry opportunity this month out side of the bar ministry we are already doing.

If you couldn't guess by the title it involves massage..

...it's actually kind of ironic too-for several reasons..

First reason; upon launching for the World Race, as I'm sure your ALL well aware of I had to do quite a bit of fundraising (still fundraising too-betcya couldn't have guessed that either!) Having graduated from massage school almost two years ago I figured I'd put that skill of mine to use and did a 'massage with a mission' fundraiser and massaged with the mission of raising money for this mission trip I'm currently serving on.

Second reason; Being the age I am and just in that place of life my time, thoughts and prayers have been directed to life. Thinking about the who, what, where's that my life will hold in 7 months when I return home from the race and even after that. Having gone through massage school its not surprisingly a dream of mine to open my own salon & spa someday. It was about a week before launch God suddenly gave me a word about that...and it made so much sense I felt a little silly that I didn't come up with it sooner myself.

Opening a spa was already on my heart, as was a ministry that has always been near and dear to my heart; which is the lost, the forgotten and lonely in this world, to those who don't know love. Especially when it comes to women and children, especially when those women and children have been emotionally, physically or sexually abused.

Two of my 'things' as I guess you could call them is; that EVERY women should feel beautiful and like a princess at LEAST one day in her life and that anyone who feels that they have no one, that nobody loves them and that they are all alone in this world will KNOW that they KNOW that they KNOW that they are loved. Not only do I love them and will fight for them but their Heavenly Father loves and totally adores them. In my experience those who have endured any or all forms of abuse struggle immensely with both of those 'things'-I know I did.

Well God being brilliant like He is connected the dots for me, He combined something I love (massage) with a desire of my heart (to love people) and called me to something I am so excited about. At some point in my life perhaps right after the race, perhaps 20 years from now I still intend on opening my own spa. However this won't be just any salon & spa it will ideally be a non-profit founded on the desire for healing and restoration, founded out of love for others and the love for our Lord.

It will be a place where women can come and get treated like the princesses they are, a place where maybe for the first time in their entire life they will be made to feel beautiful, that they will know they are cherished and they will without a doubt know that they are loved with a pure and unchanging love. I want to also use massage as a form of therapy to women and children who have suffered sexual abuse in their life. It's my hope that by combining a safe & healthy environment with massage you can teach trust, and what safe touch is and use that as a foundation for healing for these women, children and even men.

So this dream of mine is great but how exactly does is relate to this month of ministry in Thailand? And how did massage get incorporated into bar ministry you ask?!

Well this month we're here at SHE (Self Help and Empowerment) which is a Christian charity committed to helping women and children at risk in Thailand, many of whom are trapped in the commercial sex trade. SHE is dedicated to providing employment, vocational training and counseling for women who want to help themselves out of this industry.

Shortly after arriving at SHE I found out they were wanting to add massage to their list of vocational training options.

The next thing I know there is a massage table in the corner of the room with ladies ready to learn and I'm suddenly a massage teacher for the month.

So back to the irony...I massaged with a 'mission' to get funds to be on this mission trip where I'll be spending this month massaging yet again with a mission.

Except this time it won't be to raise money, this time my mission is God's beautiful daughters, my mission is to teach in hopes of what I'm teaching will entice women to walk away from the lifestyles they're living for something better, for something more. It is my hope that in me, in my actions and my words they will see Jesus and that through me and my time with them they will meet Christ.

Here I sit...

Alone on a thin pad on a tile floor.

Wearing my pink slippers

(yes I brought pink slippers on the World Race-no judgment please)

Curled up in my pink snuggie, with a fan on my face..

Did I mention it was like 100 degrees here today?

Which could only mean one thing...ok well maybe two.

I'm either

A.) Crazy

B.) Sick

Incase you weren't sure it's option B.

I am burning up and freezing at the same time.

And feeling rather down in the dumps.

Whimpering and crying because my daddy isn't here to tuck me in like a taco on the couch and bring me otter pops..

(Yes I realize I'm an adult and just said daddy and tuck in- in the same sentence...again no judgment please)

 

You see I am still $3,000 dollars short of our $10,000 deadline that is tomorrow.

God has faithfully brought in $7,100..practically out of nowhere..

Praise the Lord!

I am fully confident that He not only called me here for the time I've already served but for the remainder of the race.

And I'm fully confident that He will provide..

That's where YOU come in.

AND

In light of the upcoming holidays...

I'm asking that...

If you love me..

..or Jesus...

Hopefully both.

Please consider either giving a one time gift..it tis' the season ya know ;)

Or agreeing to sponsor me monthly.

Both are much needed and greatly appreciated.

Again, please prayerfully consider your part in this.

Like in my last support blog, I need you to partner with me in faith.

I need you to step out in that faith with me to make this happen.

I need your help this holiday season to share the gospel and bring the glory of God to nations around the world.

To bless me this holiday season you can do so by either making a donation at any Industrial Credit Union branch in Whatcom County in Nikki Kilmer's World Race account

OR

Via this link...

If you are unable to contribute financially you can still bless me in prayer and by passing this along!

Thank you all SO much for you love, support and blessings!

Our ministry this past month has been a bit of this and a bit of that. We've meet dozens and dozens of wonderful fellow brothers and sisters of ours, who have actually served and blessed us more than we have them...it never ceases to amaze me when the people I come to serve and bless and end up serving and blessing us. The Malay people did nothing but shower us with blessings this month!

This month was quite a bit different then the first two. First of all our beautiful and amazing sister and teammate Tamera felt the Lord calling her home so she will be continuing to serve God and further the Kingdom from her home in Mississippi-please keep her and her transition home in your prayers (love you girl!)

Also this month was the infamous 'Manistry' where all the men got to serve together which meant all the women got to serve together too; us ladies were broken up into two teams. It was such a blessing and tons of fun to get to serve along side the beautiful Shabach girls for the first time as well as the amazing X-stream ladies again!

The first week of our month in Malaysia was spent in Port Klang where we spoke at churches; and worked an international food festival hosted by churches in Port Klang, we also helped teach soccer to kids with developmental disabilities and then helped out at the school they attended.

The duration of our time in Malaysia was spent in Butterworth where we worked at a 'coffee shop' with at risk youth. Where the majority of our day was spent cutting red paper hearts for a fundraiser they were doing or painting a mural in the church stairwell.

Like I said we did a little of this, a little of that and most things in between.